It all started with a voicemail on my cell phone: “Hi, this is Labor and Delivery. We have a couple who has suffered a loss and would like you to photograph their them and their baby”.
My stomach dropped. You see, I found Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (a growing volunteer network of professional photographers dedicated to providing beautiful photographs of dead and dying infants) over a year ago, signed up to volunteer my photography services, and never got called. Not one single call. I was moved to tears after reading all about them and felt I had to do it. Against advice from everyone that knows my overly emotional self best, I still had to to do it. Then today, I got “the call”. OH. MY. GOD.
Driving to the hospital with no details (other than I knew there was a baby that was no longer alive) was extremely hard. I got my vendor pass from hospital security, cruised through the wing that lacks the joyous sound of newborn babies crying, and missing the chimes every time a baby is born, and I find the sweet nurse in charge.
“He looks like a full-term baby, but is blue, and his lips are purple” she said. He died yesterday in the womb. She delivered him this morning. Okaaaaaay. I can handle it. I can handle it. I can handle it. I walk in, introduce myself. I ask what his name is. He has a name. He is real. He’s laying there in the bed, next to his Mommy. Just peaceful. And blue-ish. And small. He was wearing the cute outfit he was supposed to wear home from the hospital.
I can’t show images because of privacy reasons, but I still felt the need to share all these feelings and thoughts racing through my bones. It’s such a controversial situation but I KNOW in my heart I am helping this family. Maybe not today, but someday their memories will blur and they will want to remember exactly what he looked like and have beautiful memories of their final moments with their son.
What I didn’t expect:
- That he would look so peaceful.
- That his lips would be red as blood.
- That every time we would move him, his nose would bleed.
- How calm his Mommy was.
- How calm I was.
- How I talked to him as if he were alive.
- How thin his delicate skin was.
- How limber he still was.
- How loving the nurses and staff were.
- How I didn’t break down until I was in the car driving home.
- How proud his Daddy was holding and looking at his son.
- How loving his Mommy was when kissing him.
- How glad I was that I brought a shirt for Mommy to wear so she didn’t have to be photographed in the hospital gown.
- How surreal the entire hour was, almost as if it didn’t happen.
- How awkward my goodbye was, knowing I was going home to my girls. My healthy, living girls.
- How incredibly strong those nurses are.
- How proud I am that I wanted to do something bigger and stronger than me…and I did.
I am still sad, and still “crazy” as most people say I am for doing this. But I also feel good.
by Shannon Lott
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